I apologize for not writing towards the blog for the past several weeks. Life has been swaying on the pendulum. It is the perfect time to write now about certain things. I must admit that I have been struggling to find the words that I am about to put down for some time.
Simply put I have had strange feelings in my home. There have been moments, usually in the dense underground of nightfall, where I have felt strange and disturbing feelings. I have always equaled this to my life and the situations that I was in. A fight with my boyfriend, a bad day at work, all of these I thought were the reasons behind my feelings. I am accustomed and grateful for shadows. The darker side of life has never troubled me. I have even said here that I have found comfort in this life since childhood, but this is different.
A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I started fostering some kittens with the shelter that I used to work at. We took in five kittens and the mother. About 10 days later we took another kitten, this one orphaned and found alone in a compost pile. The idea was to introduce the orphaned kitten (named Silly due to his bowed legs and polydactyl feet) to the mother and hope that she would accept him and nurse him as well.
Right at the time Silly was introduced to the litter the kittens were starting to wean themselves and slowly starting to eat watered down wet food. We kept Silly, bottle- fed him, and let the litter teach him the play and social cues needed for healthy adulthood.
During this time I was working a retail job, but found a job at another cat shelter as a kennel technician. I gave the mandatory two weeks’ notice, so during this time I was working two jobs. The night before my last day of my retail job I turned off the TV and was heading to bed when I was overcome with that same disturbing presence. It was worse than other times. This time I felt something was deeply wrong. Something in the world, in my life, was not right.
Naively, I chocked it up to my exhaustion, to working two jobs and taking care of six kittens (the mother now gone after the kittens were fully weaned) plus my own three cats and a boyfriend who also works long hours. I told myself that I was being stupid and that nothing was wrong.
The next morning I had to be at the shelter for my morning shift and then the store for my final retail shift. I awoke early and fed Silly his bottle. Holding that sweet spirit in my arms, watching him gulp down formula, I felt so elated that I would have more time to spend with him. I loved him, my boyfriend loved him, we had even talked of keeping him. After his meal I dressed and went to work.
While on lunch I checked my phone and noticed that boyfriend had called multiple times. I called him back and Grizzly told me that he was rushing Silly to the shelter because he was not moving and was lethargic. I quickly told my boss that I had to leave for an emergency.
The vet techs thought he had low blood sugar but Silly started to seize and told my boyfriend to drive ten minutes to the animal hospital and they would be notified of his arrival. I met Grizzly there. He was sitting on a curb outside while they examined Silly. We cried and hoped our precious Silly would come home. We went back in to wait for the results.
Silly did not make it. That was one of the hardest days I can remember. We had bonded with this sweet soul. We went home and grieved, and made sure the other kittens were moving and eating. I did not recall the feeling I had the night before Silly’s death till a couple of weeks later. I was stunned and confused. I did and do not know if that feeling was a premonition or just a coincidence, but I wanted to take control.
Now I am working on cleansing or smudging my home. I have been researching and there are so many different methods, so I can kind of made my own. First I take four candles and put them in a general place to correlate with the four geographical directions. I put the first one in the North, light it and say, “This light comes from the North, powered by Earth, let my home stand strong and steady, unyielding to negativity.”
Then I light the candle in the East and say, “This light comes from the East, powered by air, keep this negativity from entering through door or window.” Then I move to the South and say, “The light from the South, powered by fire, let it be the light for my home.” Then I move to the West and say, “This light from the West, powered by water, let it wash over this home, bringing positivity.”
After this I burn sage in each room and Frankincense incense. This was my first smudging and the wording and ritual may change over time. I don’t feel the need to follow everything said by other books or blogs. This is my way of finding what works for me and for my home. Feel free to try this or any combination. I will be keeping updates of what follows. Please feel free to ask my any questions or share what works for you. This is for my little Silly, now behind the veil. (Silly is the gray kitten).